Three of my favorite quotations from The Blind Assassin

"Yesterday I went to the doctor, to see about these dizzy spells. He told me I have developed what used to be called a heart, as if healthy people didn't have one. It seems I will not after all keep on living forever, merely getting smaller and greyer and dustier, like Sibyl in her bottle. Having long ago whispered I want to die, I now realize that this wish will indeed be fulfilled, and sooner rather than later. No matter that I've changed my mind about it."


"It snuck up on you, it grabbed hold of you before you knew it, and then there was nothing you could do. Once you were in it - in love - you would be swept away, regardless. Or so the books had it."


"The real danger comes from herself. What she'll allow, how far she's willing to go. But allowing and willing have nothing to do with it. Where she'll be pushed, then; where she'll be led. She hasn't examined her motives. There may not be any motives as such; desire is not a motive. It doesn't seem to her that she has any choice. Such extreme pleasure is also a humiliation. It's like being hauled along by a shameful rope, a leash around the neck. She resents it, her lack of freedom, and so she stretches out the time between, rationing him. She stands him up, fibs about why she couldn't make it - claims she didn't see the chalked markings on the park wall, didn't get the message - the new address of the non-existent dress shop, the postcard signed by an old friend she's never had, the telephone call for the wrong number.

But in the end, back she comes. There's no use resisting. She goes to him for amnesia, for oblivion. She renders herself up, is blotted out; enters the darkness of her own body, forgets her name. Immolation is what she wants, however briefly. To exist without boundaries."


I love the last one, especially.

(no subject)

I do not suggest to anyone staying up all night when you have a job interview at 9:15 in the morning. Cause then you go to the interview and sound like an idiot and say stupid things, thus significantly lowering your chances of getting said job.

Grr.

I have to go to work, too. At least I'll be on time today. And I only have to work for an hour. Then I need to finish some work, go to class, and then to the president's dinner at 5:30. That should be fun, anyway.

I'm exhausted and I have so much work to do and I can't focus on anything. I'm burnt out and wishing I could just take a semester or two off, because my GPA is really suffering this year. But what would be the point of taking time off when I'm so close to graduating? And I couldn't do anything but work at home for a year, anyway, so it really wouldn't be worth it.

Ah well. New Angel tonight. Really pretty broody boys make me happy. And there will be oh so very many of them. ;)

you are in my blood like holy wine

I am so very exhausted.

I've been up since forever, after barely four hours of sleep. I have a paper to finish and I'm contemplating not doing it yet again so I can get some sleep.

But today was one of those productive days, and those don't happen often with me anymore. I had my interview this morning, and I don't think it went very well, and that bummed me out for awhile. Until, that is, I talked to my boss in admissions and she told me that they desperately need trained tourguides for the summer, and that they can provide housing if I need it. She left me a message saying that I basically have the job, I just need to work out my schedule with them. So yay! I don't have to go home this summer! This also means that I can work another couple of jobs, or try for an internship at MPT or somewhere in Baltimore. I was hesitant to apply before, cause I didn't know if I'd be here.

I also had a nice conversation with Becky today about my paper for her class and about summer employment, she knows some people who may need my help if I'm going to be around. We also talked about how much I love The Blind Assassin, and so in class I actually raised my hand and participated in discussion! That's happened, like, once the entire semester. But I love this book oh so very much, and I've had a few months to let it marinate in my brain, so I already have opinions formed that I can talk about in class. So that made me happy.

Then, I went to the president's house for dinner. I was actually on time, which made me early and awkward. There were barely any students there, and only one I knew and liked, one I knew and I can't stand to be around--she's one of those people who invades your personal space and just generally makes you uncomfortable whenever she walks into a room. I spent most of the night talking to Dr. Mary and her husband, because I love Dr. Mary and she apparently loves me. She introduced me to lots of people, and generally kept an eye on me, which was nice. My advisor was there, as were a ton of other professors in the English dept., and I actually talked to her a little bit about my senior seminar and my plans for after graduation. She somehow managed to ease my mind about it a bit. I have so many possibilities, I just have to choose which one to go with now.

I have to say, though, it was strange to be in a room full of my professors, schmoozing and drinking wine with them. It was almost surreal, like I was a grown-up, but not. Cause then one of the ladies who was in charge of the evening pulled me and the uncomfortable girl aside and asked if we'd hand out programs at the lecture that was after the dinner--because "they like to see the kids at these things." She tried to qualify it and call us students or adults or something, but yeah. It's funny, that no matter how old I get, someone is there to call me a kid. I may not know enough about the "real world" to fit her definition of an adult, but I'm certainly not a kid anymore. I haven't been for a long, long time.

Then it was a new Angel ep and talking to my dad and my grandmother. Fun times, those. Well, just the Angel episode, not so much the talking to relatives. My dad has to go to court on Friday and may or may not... be able to talk to me for ten months, and my grandmother berated me for twenty minutes on all of my mother's problems. I was close to tears, she didn't notice, because she kept going on about how my mom doesn't care about her and has all these problems that she should be taking care of and blahblahblah, and when I dared to suggest that she talk to my mom or try to help her, because I'm certainly not in a position to do so, she just got kind of huffy and changed the subject. Lovely woman, my grandmother.

Sigh.

I'm still exhausted, so I should either go do my homework or get some sleep. I can't keep doing this thing where I stay up all night and get up early. It's not good for the functioning throughout the day thing. :P