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an open letter
Jun. 21st, 2006 09:13 amDear Barnes & Noble customers:
I swear to god, it won't be long now before I snap, and it will be all your fault. I realize that when you come to the counter for a cup of coffee or a 500-calorie slice of cheesecake, I'm wearing a stupid uniform and a green apron, and therefore I'm not an actual person to you, but you know what? I'm preparing your food, so you should probably think about that before treating me like crap. That said, a few things to keep in mind:
1. That trash you leave all over the tables in the dining room? A real, live, honest-to-god breathing human being has to clean up. Do you leave empty cups and sucked-on straws and used napkins all over your tables at home? Or worse, on top of the trash can? Seriously, folks, there are three clearly labeled trash receptacles. Don't put trash on top of them, or near them, or around them, put trash in them. And please, for the love of all that is good and sacred in this world, stop wadding up napkins inside your ceramic coffee mugs. I've gotta fish those things out and it's gross.
2. I realize that there is a giant Starbucks logo on the menu board. But I promise you, we are not a Starbucks. No, I'm not lying to you. Look at the logo a little closer, see how it says "Proudly serving Starbucks Coffee"? That's because we serve Starbucks coffee, much like we serve pastries from the Cheesecake Factory. So, no, we won't take your Starbucks giftcard, no matter how much you look around at all the stacks and stacks and stacks of books asking "But isn't this a Starbucks?"
3. That whole joke about just wanting a regular, normal, plain old cup of coffee was never funny. And people stopped caring in 1995. Of course you can get a regular cup of coffee, so stop smirking like you just said something hilarious, you smug, self-righteous jerk.
4. If I ever run into those six teenagers who came in the store last night and ordered 7 frappacinos and an iced latte five minutes before close, it's possible no one will ever hear from me again, as I will be serving a life sentence at a prison that probably doesn't house a hot Wentworth Miller look-a-like.
5. When I hand you your coffee and say the words "tall, skim, decaf latte" and then you ask me if it's decaf, don't be surprised if I'm no longer Polite and Friendly Barista. Honestly, it's taking every ounce of my willpower not to smack you across the mouth.
6. Just so you know, if I were in charge of the world, no one would ever be allowed to step foot in a retail store until they'd worked in a retail store themselves. So consider yourselves lucky that my plans for world domination thus far have failed.
These are only a few things to maybe keep in mind while shopping at the Barnes & Noble cafe. Not all of you suck, and I do appreciate the apologetic note the last of the seven last-minute customers left for me yesterday, but please. Next time you're ordering a cup of coffee, stop and think, and remember to treat other human beings with the same respect you expect us to treat you with, because your server may just be teetering on the edge of sanity as it is.
Sincerely,
Irate Barista
Annapolis, MD
I swear to god, it won't be long now before I snap, and it will be all your fault. I realize that when you come to the counter for a cup of coffee or a 500-calorie slice of cheesecake, I'm wearing a stupid uniform and a green apron, and therefore I'm not an actual person to you, but you know what? I'm preparing your food, so you should probably think about that before treating me like crap. That said, a few things to keep in mind:
1. That trash you leave all over the tables in the dining room? A real, live, honest-to-god breathing human being has to clean up. Do you leave empty cups and sucked-on straws and used napkins all over your tables at home? Or worse, on top of the trash can? Seriously, folks, there are three clearly labeled trash receptacles. Don't put trash on top of them, or near them, or around them, put trash in them. And please, for the love of all that is good and sacred in this world, stop wadding up napkins inside your ceramic coffee mugs. I've gotta fish those things out and it's gross.
2. I realize that there is a giant Starbucks logo on the menu board. But I promise you, we are not a Starbucks. No, I'm not lying to you. Look at the logo a little closer, see how it says "Proudly serving Starbucks Coffee"? That's because we serve Starbucks coffee, much like we serve pastries from the Cheesecake Factory. So, no, we won't take your Starbucks giftcard, no matter how much you look around at all the stacks and stacks and stacks of books asking "But isn't this a Starbucks?"
3. That whole joke about just wanting a regular, normal, plain old cup of coffee was never funny. And people stopped caring in 1995. Of course you can get a regular cup of coffee, so stop smirking like you just said something hilarious, you smug, self-righteous jerk.
4. If I ever run into those six teenagers who came in the store last night and ordered 7 frappacinos and an iced latte five minutes before close, it's possible no one will ever hear from me again, as I will be serving a life sentence at a prison that probably doesn't house a hot Wentworth Miller look-a-like.
5. When I hand you your coffee and say the words "tall, skim, decaf latte" and then you ask me if it's decaf, don't be surprised if I'm no longer Polite and Friendly Barista. Honestly, it's taking every ounce of my willpower not to smack you across the mouth.
6. Just so you know, if I were in charge of the world, no one would ever be allowed to step foot in a retail store until they'd worked in a retail store themselves. So consider yourselves lucky that my plans for world domination thus far have failed.
These are only a few things to maybe keep in mind while shopping at the Barnes & Noble cafe. Not all of you suck, and I do appreciate the apologetic note the last of the seven last-minute customers left for me yesterday, but please. Next time you're ordering a cup of coffee, stop and think, and remember to treat other human beings with the same respect you expect us to treat you with, because your server may just be teetering on the edge of sanity as it is.
Sincerely,
Irate Barista
Annapolis, MD
